You've heard me tell this story, most of you helped me start a movement in honor of it but you've never heard the story from the person who lived it. This year I had a baby, a baby with the love of my life and I get immense anxiety when I think of losing either of them. When I try to put myself in Jen's shoes my heart breaks. It breaks for her and it breaks for those kids. I've watched for the past couple years now, Jen, move through life, navigate without Brian, raise her kids, find her footing to survive on her own. She is one of the bravest people I know. It's true, when you haven't walked in the shoes of someone you can never truly understand the magnitude of what they've been though but I don't have to walk in her shoes to know that everyday she has to figure out how to push through without the person she vowed to spend her life with and thats enough for me to know she's amazing, brave and so incredibly strong. When I did this session, I wanted Jen to feel beautiful, I wanted her to feel strong and confident I wanted her for 1 minute to only be thinking about herself and having fun. The photos are beautiful and happy even though her journey was seemingly impossible.
This family means so much to me, please take a moment to read her story.
Life can seem hard and chaotic when you have 13, 11 and 8 yr old kids. Just the day in and day out of work, school, kids sports and activities. However, all that was put into perspective June 20, 2012. We truly had no idea what hard and chaotic life was...but we were about to find out. We were on the fast track to learning to value each and everyday, never taking for granted things that we used to and how precious time and life are. You see, after 12 years of marriage to my high school sweetheart we were told in the emergency department under the harsh fluorescent lights and the stiff stretcher bed with the curtain pulled that Brian had stage 3 Testicular cancer. The tears come out of no where, the fear takes your mind and runs away with it all while you try to focus on what the next step is and how the hell you are going to get through this. This was me, not even my husband who just discovered what was going in inside his body.
Without chance to digest anything he was scheduled for his first surgery before we left the ED in less than 36 hours. Following that came nephrostomy tubes (kidney drains) and the ever toxic chemotherapy that had him spending 5 hour days 5 times a week in the infusion center for 3 weeks and then 1 week recovery before starting all over again. Just to keep things interesting he had a complication or infection every round that kept him in the cancer center of the hospital for 1 week every round. Our life took a hard hit, for the kids and for me, but especially Brian. Not once did he complain or say why me, but instead he strapped on his fighting gear and went in full force with the goal to win. My kids and I flanked by his side were shown just how to live. Life is not all about oneself, but about others, especially those you love, doing whatever it takes and never giving up. Many, many days over the course of 2 1/2 years were spent going to work, going to the hospital, tending to the kids, maybe getting few hours sleep and waking to repeat it all over again. Was it easy, hell no, but what I do know is that if I had to spend everyday for the rest of my life like that to have Brian here there would be no hesitation. Our life became doctor's appointments, blood work, CT scans, 3 major abdominal surgeries (one in Indianapolis), inpatient chemotherapy treatments that lasted 7 days at a time, our only out of the house ventures were to Wegmans or kids sporting events (or hunting for B!) and what seemed like hibernation was taking on the nasty disease that took my husband's life, leaving my kids with no dad on December 30, 2014.
My little family of 5 was everything and although it was not perfect...it was my perfect, my happy. We were robbed of that and I often feel like toddler stomping her feet saying, "it's just not fair!" Mind you, I know life isn't fair and I do not know and will probably never know why our little family endured what we did, but what hurts the most isn't for me, but for my kids...their dad will never walk through that door again, never get a call with the screen saying "Dad" again, he will never be on the sideline of games or at graduation or to walk our beautiful daughter down the aisle some day...this I cannot change and some believe that he can see them, to which I disagree, God wouldn't allow him the pain of seeing his family suffer and be sad without him. I would trade the worst divorce or any other scenario for him to be here with them. The one thing we do have is his legacy and it is a mighty big one. He was known as "B" or "BMoore" to his friends and that was a campaign that Audra, bless her heart, started and how we carry on his legacy and live life everyday.
I try to BMoore by working hard, providing for my kids and helping see that we can love hard and succeed even though we are missing a huge part of us that can never be replaced. You just cannot replace perfection, yes, B was perfection in a drive-me-crazy, spend-too-much-money, but life-loving, family-first kind of way. So, after the crippling days of walking out of the hospital for the last time carrying my husband's belongings with my oldest son by my side and tears endlessly flowing down our faces and a dark cloud loomed that I wasn't sure I was ever going to get out from under. How was I supposed to do life without B, how was I supposed to rise 3 kids without B? I just wanted to curl up in bed, on his side, with his pillow, in his clothes and never resurface until he was back. The next day you wake up and go into auto-pilot because that is the only choice you have. Numb, I went to the funeral parlor, picked out Brian's plot at the cemetery and the clothes he would wear, I braved the calling hours, the funeral , the burial...death is not cheap, financially, but emotionally it drains you clean and hollow...you might as well be dead yourself. I plastered on a happy face for my kids or held them tight and cried, but the best thing I have ever done is talk about Brian. Everyday in some way he is talked about, he is a part of us and that will never fade. For a year, I barely went anywhere except work or the kids functions as I didn't want to feel happy or have people look at me as the "widow" or feel sorry for me or ask if I was ok. No, I wasn't ok and some days I still am not. But on the one year mark of Brian's death I promised myself I would live life and enjoy even the smallest of things.
That first cup of coffee, rainy day movies and gut laughing with my kids are some of the simplest. The big things, my kids, they are the best of me and Brian and are my biggest accomplishment...gorgeous, smart, funny and sarcastic...I am in awe of them daily. I set goals for myself to enjoy the things B did with the kids as that should not be lost. I decided exercise and health would be my outlet for stress, I took up boxing, running (I hate it!) and crossfit. I am becoming a better version of me, one day at a time, with my kids at my side and living each day to BMoore.
If you have a moment, in honor of the new year, take a moment and watch this video and then leave a comment here (or on FB) and tell us how you plan to BMOORE in 2018.
